你要的愛太完美 ... ?

Initially i wanted to name this post as "Differences or Similarities" but after listening to 胡楊林 - 香水有毒, i find that its content is quite similar to what i had in mind for this post. Ok time to get to my point, i sat down the other day trying to help a friend who is having a relationship problem. Who am i to give advice seeing that im in such a mess? Oh well perhaps because i have always been there as a friend who offers an ear and sometimes when possible provide ideas.

Usually when you enter into a relationship, it is then when your partner will let his/her guard down and show you their true self. Be it good, be it bad, it is for you to assess. Most people would take some time to assess whether the partner they are going out with is someone who you would want to spend the rest of your life with. Then comes my question, "Differences or Similarities?".

What kind of a person are looking for? Someone who completes you but thinks differently or Someone who understands you but is dead boring because you two are too alike? That got me thinking, when you say you are looking for someone of this quality ... is it something which clicks with you or its something which you do not possess? Perhaps you are not able to answer it as fast as you thought you would. Conventional studies tells us that more often than not you will subconciously choose someone who reminds you of your parents.

I will take some points in our conversation as example :

1) My partner is a very confident person. My partner will set a goal and will work towards that goal and will overcome what is in his/her way to get to the destination.
- The partner is trying to provide what the partner perceives as "more" important needs.
- I am not critisizing that the partner is overconfident because the partner is very capable and is until now able to achieve what he set out to do albeit some of them took a very long time.
- Some people call this confidence as ego. It depends on which angle you try to analyze the partner. The partner is just trying to do what the partner thinks its best more often than not without consulting my friend.
- It is definitely great to have and see a plan through. Not many people is able to persevere achieve a goal set quite high.
* In this sense, this character compliments my friend who sometimes can be a little fickle minded and may change his/her mind during the course of the long journey. Again, there is nothing wrong at all with my friend's character because you have to adapt to what you face.
* The rule of karma applies? What you gain, you must lose something of equal importance? To achieve his/her goal, my friend would have to sacrifice his/her needs in order for the partner to be able to carry out his/her plan for "their" future.

2) I don't understand why my partner would not listen?
- For a person who is focused, his/her view will be narrowed down to his/her goal. Just as the speculation that when a tiger is fixed on its target, it will ignore its surroundings to focus on its prey.
* I always say that a relationship is about 2 people, a 2 way communication. If a person is not listening to the other, the other will feel neglected or feels that his/her thoughts are not getting through or understood by the target.
* Sometimes its just too hard to pierce a hard head with much needed advice.

3) Stretching it thin
- There are many instances that we sometimes may take things for granted, best example "I love you". Before you are committed, these sweet and cuddly words will flow like water flowing imminently to the sea. After you have commited, it seems that these things are taken for granted because (in my own words) "your stocks are wholly owned by me now and vice versa" ie we are stuck together now.
* Everyone has needs, different needs for sure. Some people just need a glimpse of your face before heading out for work, a quick peck before leaving the house, a goodnight kiss, a pat on the back for a job well done etc etc etc
- Your sweet loving voice via a long distance call chatting up sometimes about nothing is worth a trip to Hell and back.
* A video chat would suffice for the need of seeing you being there for me.

~ All of this will of course lead to friction which can work both ways. Small arguments might help to get the message across albeit in a not so good way. If a big argument breaks out, its may spell "The End". A delicate balance needs to exist of which both MUST understand and tolerate.
~ A plan in a relationship should have the couple's thoughts put into it, when do you plan to get married, have kids, where/what the house is, etc etc etc. Setting a personal goal which jives with the common goal which were agreed upon is better than enforcing your plans to your partner which may disagree with your plan.
~ When having a conversation, it should always have the couple's sharing their mind and preferably accepted and understood by both.
~ When being together is more than just a signing on a piece of paper but really being together.
~ You are exchanging your time/effort/love for something in return, preferably something you want. Very much like going to work and expecting to receive your salary on payday. Heck, its even like Santa giving his presents in exchange for your good behaviour of a year :)
~ I suppose any discussion with regards to relationship will eventually lead to the famous book on relationship to better understand how their partner work, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus

What do you look for in relationship? You want enough similarities to understand you but you also need differences to fill in the gap which will complete your life. I have seen people having many similarities got together but they broke up despite the initial great relationship they had. I have also seen people of different worlds able to be together but the struggle to understand each other is monumental and it really depends if they both are able to keep it together.

胡楊林 - 香水有毒

我曾經愛過這樣一個男人
他說我是世上最美的女人
我爲他保留著那一份天真
關上愛別人的門
也是這個被我深愛的男人
把我變成世上最笨的女人
他說的每句話我都會當真
他說最愛我的唇

我的要求幷不高
待我像從前一樣好
可是有一天你說了同樣的話
把別人擁入懷抱

你身上有她的香水味
是我鼻子犯的罪
不該嗅到她的美
檫掉一切陪你睡
你身上有她的香水味;
是你賜給的自卑
你要的愛太完美
我永遠都學不會

Perhaps i was already emotional overcome on the day when i replayed this song because it brought tears to my eyes when i really went on to try to understand each sentence.

p/s : I hate perfume, i feel like puking if i am able to smell someone who has used too much perfume to the extent that i call it 臭水, smelly water for those who are unable to translate it.