A real smile after a long hiatus from an unexpected source :)

Today I smiled again, a real smile which was not faked. It was so unexpected that it really brighten up my day although it was almost end of the day. A colleague from another floor who unintentionally found out something about me, repeated to me what many others have told me before but the way she talked to me was so sincere that I cannot put on a fake smile to face her.

It was never my intention to do what I did but I needed a faster shortcut to achieve what I required. Its not the correct way but I needed to do it. Although now, I think its not such a shortcut after all =_="

Thinking back, I think I smiled all the way back to my floor. I could not hold back and shared my experience with my closest neighbour. I have not been so sincerely happy for quite some time :)

What cannot be expressed comes out as a deep long sigh

That was a line in a song which I recently came to know and like. To some extent, I believe everyone would have the same feeling or action. For me, a sigh is like a signature probably because there is always something in my mind which I cannot express to others. Perhaps I am just being overly careful with what I know/feel vs what I should say. That being said, I am someone who will speak my mind, LOL complete irony...

A couple of weeks ago, a colleague announced that she just split from someone whom she was supposed to marry at the end of this year. Many of her friends were surprised but all were supportive of her. Her question was, "Should I still remain friends with him or not?". The crowd was split and my advice to her was that it really depends on whether she wants to maintain a relationship. Based on her own answers to her friends, it was obvious that she wanted to remain as friends BUT as a guy, I know that there will always be a flicker of flame and may want to harbour a small minute possibility. If it has been made clear then it really depends on the other person on how they want to think.

Another colleague of mine told her to totally cut ties with him. Her reasoning was simple, to avoid complications of what I just said above. Depending on your character, this may or may not be the best solution. To me, if I know this person well enough, I will know how they think and depending on that, the correct decision will be obvious.

Just a couple of days ago, my friends also asked me the same question. The above 2 scenarios are both correct in their own ways. A part of me does not want to but the other part is directly the opposite. So the decision that I made is based on what I currently can or cannot do. Since I know what I must overcome will take time, the best solution is to be far away BUT I cannot do that as I have a responsibility here. Else I would have left a couple of years ago. So I am neither here nor there but let go I must and allow time to erode whatever that is left.

Am I lying to myself again? Perhaps with the answer which I had sought for so long is now known, I can really let it go but time is required to dilute and wash away what is not to be. However, some things are so deeply etched into me that I can never forget even with time. It pains me very much each time that we are close again but you are actually so far away. SIGH ...

There you have it folks, I have made sighing my signature. I sigh to let off the pressure that have accumulated in a troubled me.

Thank you my dear friends ...

To my friends who were sensitive enough to notice that I was in need of help (as if it was not obvious enough), I thank you very much. Although your help does not directly affect me but I was very glad that I was contacted to let me know that you are there to fully support me. :)

To those whom I have talked to already, you already know that I was really deeply affected by my recent predicament. What I can say is that I am better now. Not a 100% but much better than when I have not talked you guys.

Everything takes time and based on my own experience, for me it really does take a long time. I have been through this a couple of times so I know how to handle it. You may not agree with my methods but I am not really just an average Joe. I have been dealing with my own matters using my own way for many many years and if it works for me then it shall be.

The strange thing is that although I am a seriously a forgetful person, some things were not forgotten despite the lapse of time. Some things are forever etched into my mind. Mostly they are good but even if they are not, it will serve as a reminder that I must not repeat the same mistakes. The pain should deter such stupid acts to be repeated.

One must be able to get back up by themself else they will not be able to stand again. It may not be easy but Im sure I will be able to stand again. I cannot be defeated like this. Just you wait ...

就當做一個傻瓜愛上美女

I was browsing for an old song but just played whatever that seemed interesting. I used to like many of this guy's song because they are simple to understand and it seems that I have not heard this before and to me I think this is another beautiful sad song. The truth in simple terms and reality of what is happening when you have been friendzoned. 

張震嶽-只是朋友

我的直覺發現了妳的冷漠
我的聽覺發現了妳不誠懇
我們之間也沒有什麼承諾
為何我聽不下去妳的解釋
我和他跟妳的關係也許不一樣
妳和他

我愛上妳這句話說不出口
好想逃離難懂複雜的問題
看他自在輕易的讓妳高興
不想聽妳親口告訴我結局

妳和他在朋友眼中就該相愛
我離開
我想得到　妳的溫柔　而不是聽妳說他的一切
我的身份　只是朋友　要的不多　只想愛妳
就結束吧　這種想法　就當做一個傻瓜愛上美女
我的身份　只是朋友
看到妳快樂　我也甘心走開

Sucks to be a nice guy because they always come in last. 

Though I don't smoke but this is interesting

 張震嶽-路口

一個人走　無聊的路口　我還在做夢　以為你會喜歡我
我的希望落空　而香菸不離手　抽到我心很痛

兩個人走　我恨這路口　你說不愛我　放我在夜裡難過
連再見也不說　而眼淚沒停過　哭到我鼻涕流

愛情就是黑洞　扭曲我所有　我想要愛你卻迷失了我自己
真的分不出來　給的是不是真愛　遊戲　我玩不起來

我不想走　去你媽的路口　破碎的痴夢　丟到馬桶讓水流
本人依然沒救　而香菸沒停過　咳到我心很痛

深陷沼泥之中　沒有人救我　手機上都是你曾經留的訊息
你眼神的不耐　有如利刃飛過來　瞬間　我終於明白

一個人走　無聊的路口　我還在做夢　以為你會喜歡我
我的希望落空　而香煙不離手　抽到我心很痛　哭到我鼻涕流
不再為你　心痛

感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白

I think this song represents some things which I cannot express freely. I'm not able to explain to others until the point where they are in my shoe to see from my point of view. Of course, everyone have their views and I may not be right but that is how I see it.

 李圣杰 - 手放开

我把自己关起来只留下一个阳台
每当天黑推开窗我对着夜幕发呆
看着往事一幕一幕
再次演出你我的爱

我把电视机打开听着别人的对白
也许那些故事可以给我一个交代
你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏
人怔怔看情感慨

不能给你未来我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪留下来
伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白
我给你最后的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌
写着等待

最后的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌
写着等待

我把收音机打开听着别人的失败
哽咽的声音仿佛诉说着相同悲哀
你的依赖还在胸怀
我无法轻易推开
我无法随便走开
感情中专心的人容易
被伤害

I remember collecting a lot of his songs but not sure where I put them. Since I got nothing much to downlaod so I am going through them one by one and many of them seems to be old favourites and of course found some interesting new songs.

잠들고 싶어

Super Junior – 잠들고 싶어

[규 현] 그녀가 돌아오네요 미안하다고 하네요
익숙했던 그리운 그 손길로 어루만져요
[성민] 날 보는 안쓰런 눈길, 듣고 싶던 그 목소리,
다정하게 이젠 울지 말라네요

[려욱] 널 내 품에 안으면 사라져 버리고
눈물이 흘러 베개를 적시면
난 그제야 잠에서 깨어요
아침은 늘 이렇게….My Love

[예성] 영원히 이대로 잠들길 바래도,
여전히 그녀로 깨어나도…
다시는 꿈꾸지 않기를 바래도,
오늘도 그녀로 나는 잠이 들 수가 있어

[동 해] 그녀가 웃고 있네요 너무나 오랜만이죠
그런 모습 그렇게 보고 싶던 나의 그녀죠
[성민] 그녀가 걷고 있어요 어떤 사람과 다정히
내 가슴은 무겁게 내리 눌려요

[예성] 또 난 꿈을 꾼 거죠 식은 땀 흐르고
아파서 기억 조차도 싫은 꿈
난 온종일 무엇도 못하고
시간을 보내겠죠 My love

[규현] 영원히 이대로 잠들길 바래도,
여전히 그녀로 깨어나도….
[려욱] 다시는 꿈꾸지 않기를 바래도,
오늘도 그녀로 나는 잠이 들 텐데

[예 성] 이제 흐려질 만도 한데 그녀는 점점 짙어가요
[규현] 어제 꿈에서처럼 오늘 내게 와요 이제는 혼자 잠들지 않게

[려 욱] 영원히 이대로 잠들길 바래도,
여전히 그녀로 깨어나도….
[예성] 다시는 꿈꾸지 않기를 바래도,
오늘도 그녀로 나는 잠이 들 텐데

[규현] 오늘 그댈 다시 볼 수만 있다면, 그럴 수 있다면, 돌아오면….
[동♥ 해] 한번만 네 곁에 잠들 수 있다면, 그럴 수 있다면…
[려욱] 그대로 깨지 않고 싶어
[예성] 잠이 들 수 있다면….

English translations :

Super Junior – In My Dream

[Kyuhyun] She comes back
She says she’s sorry
The skilled hands that I missed caress my own
[Sungmin] The apologetic eyes that look at me, the voice I want to hear
Tenderly telling me not to cry

[Ryeowook] If I hold you in my arms you disappear and
The tears flow and my pillow becomes wet
At last I wake up from my sleep
Morning is always like this… My Love

[Yesung] I hope I fall asleep forever like this
I wake up with her presence still…
Although I hope I don’t dream again,
Today too it seems I fall asleep with her presence

[Donghae] She’s smiling
It’s really been too long
I’ve missed that expression, she’s my girl isn’t she
[Sungmin] She’s walking away
Embracing another person
My chest feels like it’s being crushed under a heavy weight

[Yesung] I’m dreaming again, right?
Cold sweat runs down me
It’s hurts, it’s a dream of things I hate to even remember
I can’t do anything all day long
We’ll spend time together, right my Love

[Kyuhyun] I hope I sleep forever like this
I wake up with her presence still…
[Ryeowook] Although I hope I don’t dream again,
Today too it seems I fall asleep with her presence

[Yesung] Everything is becoming cloudy but her image is getting stronger
[Kyuhyun] Like in yesterday’s dream, today she comes to me
Now I don’t sleep alone

[Ryeowook] I hope I sleep forever like this
I wake up with her presence still…
[Yesung] Although I hope I don’t dream again,
Today too it seems I fall asleep with her presence

[Kyuhyun] If I could only see you again today, if I could do it again, if you came back again….
[Donghae] If you slept by my side just once more, if it happened again…
[Ryeowook] I wouldn’t want to wake up
[Yesung] If I could fall sleep…

You Jelly?

After a few months of using stock ICS, the battery consumption was so bad that I had to charge at least twice per day. That is insane and I decided enough was enough. Based on reviews and inputs from my fellow SGS2G users, there are only a couple of very good ROMs to use. I looked around and found that there are developers working on Jelly Bean ROMs instead of ICS now so I searched some more and found the highest version there is and flashed it this morning.

Since its an AOKP (Android Open Kang Project) ie a modded AOSP (Android Open Source Project), this means that the standard Samsung programs that takes too much resources have been removed and have been replaced with alternatives which are better and at the same time saves you some juice.

Based on my usage today, I think I can get back to 1 day charge again ^_^ However, learning the new menus and finding my usual settings took me the rest of the day. Some really took some time finding because I was really not used to the new menus and namings.

I don't really understand why they would build in a function for the "user's" sake but keeps on changing how it is used everytime they come up with a new version @_@" I meant the built in screenshot function. You get used to one and then they change it. I find it annoying to be honest...

 The homescreen now allowing you to choose what you want to access directly. I like the weather widget there which was built in.

 For those who don't know, you can get this easter egg by pressing the version number continiously for 3 times. I find this the most interesting one so far :)

An extra feature this time too if you touch the jelly bean long enough. Your screen will be exploded with these jellies which you can fling around just for the fun of it.

Flashing this ROM for the first time after a quite a long break was unfamiliar at first then I remembered that there were instructions which I did not follow to the dot which caused my phone to be stuck at the bootscreen. It was easily fixed and I got my in working condition in about 2 hours as I had to restore the apps. I showed off to my colleagues who had same phones that I am already running Jelly Bean =D

I can now only be with you in my dreams

Its finally a reality... After so many years, the cat is finally out of the bag and it was really really strange. I never imagined that it would happen this way. At least its much better than I had expected. I thought I would react badly to it but I am more calm than ever. You really do know how to handle situations. Too bad your reading of people is still very poor.

It was a great chat. You taught me many things and I revealed secrets which many would like to know. Interesting what a couple of hours of chat would end up. I think it was really OK because I have already been mentally prepared for this ages ago. But the stupid idiot which resides in me refused to see the logic. Today it has been proven and I really do know it that well.

Will I ever dream of you again? I wonder how it will be? Will it still be as exciting as before? Come to think of it again do I want to dream of you? We shall see, my special friend :)

Damage - Forever

CHORUS
I'll be loving you forever
Deep inside my heart you'll leave me never
Even if you took my heart and tore it apart
I would love you still forever

You are the sun, you are my light
And you're the last thing on my mind
Before I go to sleep at night
You're always 'round when I'm in need
When trouble's on my mind
You put my soul at ease

There is no one in this world
Who can love me like you do
So many reasons that I
Want to spend forever with you

We've had our fun, and we've made mistakes
But who'd have guessed along that road
We'd learn to give and take
It's so much more than I could have dreamed
You make loving you
So easy for me

There is no one in this world
Who can love me like you do
That is the reason that I
Want to share forever with you

CHORUS
(And girl I pray you leave me never)

BRIDGE:
Coz this is a world
Where lovers often go astray
But if we love each other
We won't go, won't go that way
So put your doubts aside
Do what it takes to make it right
Coz I'll love you forever
No one can tear us apart
CHORUS (TILL FADE)

  Hmm ... you do occupy a very big portion of my heart :)

나는 안 되는 거니 정말 안 되는 거니

Its interesting how some songwriters are able to combine words and express things  in a much better way. It really takes time to appreciate and understand them. I think this song is a very good match with the drama and it makes a lot of sense.

Tim - 안되니

슬픔에 지쳐 눈믈 흘릴 때
너를 위해 함께 울어줄 사람
이 세상 모두너를 등짛 떼조차
먼저 너의 손을 잡아줄 사람
언제라도 부르면 한걸음에 달려갈
그 사람이 나란 걸 왜몰라
Reff :
나는 안 되는 거니 정말 안되는 거니
매일 너를 웃게 할텐데
마지막 그 날까지 너의 곁을 지켜줄 단 한사람
그 사랑이나일 순없는 거니
아픔에 겨워 비틀거릴 때
너의 상처까지 안아줄 사람
먼 곳언을 보며 나를 울릴 울리때조차
오직 너 하나만 바라볼 사람
너를 위해서라면 다 잃어도 행복할
그 사람이 나란 걸 왜 몰라
**Back to Reff
갖고 싶은 사람아
죽을 만큼 닿고 싶은 사람아
힘겨워도 견딜 수있었던 건
니가 내 곁에 있어서 사랑할 수있어서
기다려도 되겠니 바라봐도 되겠니
니가 내게 오는 날까지
나의 마지막 순간 눈물처럼 떠올릴 단 한 사람
내 사랑이 돼주면 언되겠나
내 곁에 머물면 안되겠니

The English translations :

Tim - Can't it be me?

When you cry because of sadness,
The one who could cry together with you
Even when everyone in the world turns their back on you
The first person who hold your hand
Whenever you call, will rush into you
Why don’t you know that person is me
Reff :
Can’t it be me? Really can’t it be me?
Everyday, I would make you smile
The one who will watch over you until the end
Can’t that person be me?
When you stumble because of pain
The one who hold you from being hurt
The one who embraces your scars
The one who only looking at you
The person who would happy even lose everything for you
Why don’t you know that person is me
**Back to Reff
You are the one I want
You are the one I really want to reach
The reason I was able to go through the hard times
Because you were with me, because I could love you
Can I wait for you? Can I see you?
Until the day you come to me
Like the tears of my last moment, you are the only one I remember
Can’t you be my love?
Can’t you stay with me?

 I am asking this question too much ...

被夢想分隔兩地 用思念熬過孤寂 不停 想妳

Im not sure how old this song is but it captured my attention even before the chorus. Its very rare that a song is able to do this to me because I will need some time to digest the meaning. When I read through the whole song, it was really wonderful and hence I recommend it to you :)

Tank & Ella - 懂我再愛我

T：以為你會開心 用飛奔傾訴愛意 來我懷裡
為什麼你不靠近 憤怒地關上自己 淚眼迷離
用多少心 才帶來的驚喜 我還想說 妳不聽

E: 你懂我再愛我 就不會傷害我
在幸福的路口 被失望壓垮了
你懂我再愛我 我就不會病了
害怕聽見許諾 不知道能相信什麼

T: 從前妳很開心 我丟掉苦悶自己
微笑 學妳 (E: 微笑 學我)
被夢想分隔兩地 用思念熬過孤寂
不停 想妳 (E: 不停想你)
我將感情先堆滿在心底 打拼榮耀獻給你

E: 你懂我再愛我 就不會折磨我
被回憶勒住了 痛到虛脫沉默
你懂我再愛我 我就不會怕了
好想勇敢走過 像從前最擅長快樂

E: 你懂我再愛我 就不會折磨我
被回憶勒住了 痛到虛脫沉默 (T: 痛到虛脫沉默)
你懂我再愛我 我就不會怕了
好想勇敢走過 像從前最擅長快樂
像從前最擅長快樂
(像從前最擅長快樂 像從前最擅長快樂) 快樂

 Its very meaningful to me because I would definitely want someone to be able to understand me well and catch me when I fall. It would be best that I will never fall again :)

Suicide ...

I recently had a series of long chats with someone who would fall under the category of equal to worst enemy. What I told this person was what I wanted to say but at the same time should not be said. Makes no freaking sense ... ei? I know what I am trying to do and at the same time, I really know that I should not. Walking a very thin line between life and death.

Relieved and worried at the same time for what I have said. This is driving me really insane. So close yet so far. Just a touch away but feels like a million miles away. Although I can basically catch what you think but I dare not think that I was 100% right because you are not a normal person to be reckoned with.

This has really affected me psychologically which in turn will affect me physically. My brain and heart goes into overdrive each time I think about this matter. I am scared to think about it but it never seems to be able to leave my mind. Like a gum stuck to your shoe and very hard to get rid off.

Only time will tell if what I have done is suicide or the road to glory.