YOSH!!! 1 down, 9 more to go

Finally, the Rock has come back to ... i managed to complete 1 of the task i set for myself. I really have to admit that that 5 figure debt was really taxing me. Every month after getting my pay, i would have to channel 50% to pay them, one of which i can only afford only to pay the minimum sum. Sigh not as much from now on i suppose.

How did i do it? I suppose you would get this from any financial adviser who is really out to help you, consolidate all your debt and negotiate a good deal. My way was somewhat of standard practice in a way, i take a big loan and shoot a couple of birds right out of the sky.

Settled my car loan, several cards' debt and the extras are for a greater good. I will be facing my first payment next month and if my calculations are right, only 1/4 of my salary will be used to service the now big debt.

The bad thing is of course, im really seriously down to my last penny. There is no more umbrella, no more secret stash. My lifestyle will largely remain unchanged ie to not be able to spend too much. Still with the same budget on food and travel per month, the only difference, i have is a little more breathing space, just a small amount which hopefully i can save up and do something.

2 months in only 1 down, i still have a looooooooooooooooooooong way to go. Gambateh!!!

Reward for staying the entire seminar

I have never fallen asleep in a seminar before no matter how boring it is. I guess there is a first time for everything especially i did not get enough sleep from the night before. Woken up from a bad dream, having to drive quite a distance, something which i have not done for quite a few months. My eyes was half open throughout the seminar, i know there were times i was totally KO-ed, i hope that i did not snore :p

Its been a long while since i got picked in a lucky draw. Although its called a lucky draw, i can say that its not down to luck. All the winners were from big companies (7-8 were from financial institutions) which i believe the sponsor would like to do more business with hence picking the winners "randomly".


So my friend, E, its not my luck coming back BUT im not complaining :D

Chased out of my sleep @ 1.58am

Not too long ago, thesun.co.uk published an article about the meaning of your dreams/nightmares. I tried to search it again but not able to find it, doesn't matter, i think its somewhere in my head :p

The dream :
I with some other "friends" are being chased and with seemingly no other choice but to enter a strange building in our effort to flea from the people chasing us. Inside the building, there are staircases found at peculiar places going up or down. We split up and i think there were 1 or 2 person following the direction i was heading. Up and down, here and there, running and running but never seem to be short of breath. Suddenly, i was compounded to have to make a choice at a corner whether to head up or down, someone from behind me shouted for me to go up and another to go down. I made a choice to go up and ran into my chasers. I was forced to run into a hallway filled with big woks with red hot oil very much like a big restaurant or hotel. As i ran that direction, i felt i was being tugged and had to use my hands to hold the side of the wok to run away. Though the wok was supposed to be hot, my hands are not burnt. The tugging got stronger and stronger until i was in like a superman position. I think before i was stopped i awoke.

The meaning :
IIRC from the article, running away from something is trying to avoid something in real life, yeah yeah i got lots to avoid. But what is not explained by the article is about the many challenges even to run away. Perhaps its the brain saying, "there is no escape from the problem, the more you want to avoid it, the more problems will surface". I think that would be true to some point as its really reflecting in real life.

In short, suck it up or it will get fucked up. =_=|||

I feel so wrong

I really don't understand how a person can be wrong all the time. Even when i have the evidence that i am right but i am still wrong. WTF is wrong with this world?

I have been raised to tell the truth and its very bad to lie. In reality, to tell the truth is wrong. It more often than not gets you into trouble. So i have been raised to get into trouble :x

When talking to a certain individual, i am always left with a feeling of guilt and that i have wronged them. In some cases, i would even end up in tears. It is wrong to ask and want for the best. What you see with your own eyes (even before i was wearing glasses) is not real, is not the truth. What you perceive to be wrong is not wrong, in fact, you are told that its a good thing. Have i been growing up on Pluto or something? I feel completely lost to have my beliefs and what i was taught to be untrue, wrong and not how things are supposed to be.

Giving whatever you can afford to someone, ie the best that you can do is also no good. They want the bad things which in your mind should stay away from. You want to save them from the darkness and yet they are attracted and want to go down that path. Why do you not want to believe that what i see you do is wrong? How do i convince you? What more can i do? I feel quite lost of what i can do more to help you see that what you crave for is actually wrong. How i wish i can project what i imagine would happen if you really do what you want to do, so that you will understand better what i am trying to turn you away from.

The more i think, the more fault i find with myself. The more i find the sadder i get. The more i want to do, the more trouble i get myself into, the deeper the shit and mess which i have no clue how to clean up. I feel very much suffocated by my guilt and wrongdoings, no nightmares but i would just suddenly wake up in the middle of the night, as if the guilt wants to prevent me from having a good night's sleep. My baggy eyes are getting heavier ...

It seems like i found a way for an uninterrupted night's sleep, BEER! Though i dislike the bitter taste and burping, i can KO for more than 7 hours. Whisky/Brandy/VSOP though supposedly stronger keeps me awake more than my normal interrupted sleep. Hopefully i will get another chance to KO this weekend, a much needed rest for a supposed guilty person.

Happy Valentine's Day my friends.

I think the last 2 years i had been sick and really pissed her off. 2 years ago i had fever and last year i had diarrhea. I don't know what was expected of me since i could not really make it too far away from bed. But the past is past and dwelling on it does not do any good.

This year i had dinner with a good old friend, sort of a belated birthday cum farewell cum Valentine's dinner (on the 13th). Nothing fancy, quite pricey but hey its sort of a 3-in-1 :p Went shopping with her again and just looked around. I still have at least 2 new shirt which i haven't worn which i bought for CNY. I did however try to find a Nike shirt which i saw at another place for an affordable price, did not find it though :( .

On the day itself, i just camped at home, the lesson i got from the day before was that it will be a jam and there will be many many couples everywhere. A sight which i do not really fancy for the time being.

On the 15th, i continued my camping and even skipped another gathering with my another friend who is leaving. Reason being that im a bit of a crowd phobic and would avoid any situations which will have me being questioned. Sigh, i suppose this situation will remain until i have completed "Say Goodbye".

Now to end the sad stuff, let me share with you all an old favourite of mine. Joshua Kadison - Beautiful In My Eyes (right click save as if you don't already have the song)

You're my peace of mind in this crazy world.
You're everything I've tried to find, your love is a pearl.
You're my Mona Lisa, you're my rainbow skies,
and my only prayer is that you realize
you'll always be beautiful in my eyes.

The world will turn and the seasons will change,
and all the lessons we will learn will be beautiful and strange.
We'll have our fill of tears, our share of sighs.
And my only prayer is that you realize
you'll always be beautiful in my eyes.


You will always be beautiful in my eyes.
And the passing years will show
that you will always grow ever more beautiful in my eyes.


When there are lines upon my face from a lifetime of smiles,
and when the time comes to embrace for one long last while,
we can laugh about how time really flies.
We won't say goodbye 'cause true love never dies.
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes.


You will always be beautiful in my eyes.
And the passing years will show
that you will always grow ever more beautiful in my eyes.
The passing years will show that you will always grow
ever more beautiful in my eyes.

Initial D racing on highway

Wangan Midnight is the title and i gots it. Same old case though as in Initial D, old cars pwning new cars with turbos etc. In this anime, the car on show is the first generation of Nissan's Fairlady Z series, S30Z more popularly known in the anime as S-Sani-Maru-Zed-Toh aka Akuma-Zed-Toh (Devil-Z) or simply Zed-Toh. The similarity between the 2 animes are that the main car practically owns all other types of cars on the Wangan Highway.

Though at first this anime appealed to me for its racing theme, its not as attractive as Initial D, to me at least. Its always great to think that old cars can pwn Porches and Ferraris with little effort and leaving them to eat dirt kicked up by the blazing trail of the Zed-Toh. The biggest rivals for the Zed-Toh is namely the Nissan Skyline R32 and a certain tricked out black Porsche 964 Turbo aka Blackbird. Nissan vs Nissan in most cases, makes me wonder if this guy is just too bias towards Nissan cars, though i agree that Skylines are really good and stable cars :p

Street racing is illegal but i did not even see a single police road block since EVERYBODY knows that the races will happen at about 3-4am sometimes until dawn. Police have to set up road blocks because it would be practically nuts to be chasing these guys who claim to be cruising at around 300 kmph. Thanks to Unker Sami, we will never ever reach those speeds.

Most of the time its stories are about guys trying to tune, add turbos and do whatever else to make sure their car can perform well and of course go over 300kmph. Stories about young people spending ALL their money on their cars, neglecting studies and in one case, chase away his pregnant wife JUST to have a chance at beating the Akuma-Zed-Toh. Well i understand those guys who drives newer cars to get their sorry ass pwned by the Zed-Toh, its really ugly to eat the dust of such an antique.

The car is sporty in apperance but if i got a choice, i would very much prefer to drive an AE86 (with the tofu shop advertisement naturally :p).

OhMiGosh I finished reading a book in 1 day @_@"

I have to be honest with you, i really hate reading books unless its a necessity, especially if it involves the dreaded word, EXAM! Well im not taking any new degree or course, at least not yet.

The book is said to be the best guide for relationships, since im not fairing so well, perhaps a read up to discover about things which i may not know. My sis have got the book below, and surprise, surprise, yours truly managed to finish this book in just over an hour. Well you see, the wordings are big and many pages are filled with pictures so that is reason why i can go through it so fast. This beat reading the prologue of a JRR Tolkien Lord of the Rings book which took me 2 hours =_=|||


I found that :
Im mostly a Martian with a whiff of Venusian.
I am an average listener
I am like a rubber band :p
Women's wave do not just crash every 28-30 days only @_@
I knock my head against my favourite cave wall very often
Its not good solve a woman's problem unless asked, this is gonna be damn freaking hard
Now i know why my hardwork is not appreciated :(
Sometimes the clues dropped by women to do what they want is really too faint and some of them can't even understand their own Venusian language on this matter :x

The below is absolutely correct, i've been on the receiving end of all of them =_=

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

SIGH ... goodbyes

This is not the Goodbye in my wishlist, still a couple of months away i reckon for that. The goodbyes in this will happen in the coming days.

My dear dear friends are leaving. One, back to her new home country. Another to his forever air-conditioned country, a dream condition which he had relished for ever since i knew him. Today, i found out that another friend is applying for PR Down Under, waiting to be approved.

Its not like im losing them forever, its not like i can't call them, chat with them or even text them, its a very strange feeling of loneliness somehow. A feeling of lostlessness that seeps deep within me, as if plunging me in a new chapter of darkness.

Different friends have different impressions on me. They bring out different emotions in me, i can be open to them in different ways, they cheer me up and bring different joy which i will dearly miss. *Tears rolls down my cheeks*

One of them at the peak of our closeness, would know what my mind would think even before i could think it up. This of course had its good and bads, it means i could be read like a book, something which has not happen to me before. He bailed me out of trouble countless times, holes which i dug deep and was willing to fall in like a blind man walking around without his guide stick.

Despite the above, i would like to wish them good luck and good journey to their destinations. I miss you guys already!

Mental breakdown ...

Everyone have got (at least) a chink in their armor. Even the supposed strongest men will falter in one way or another. What can be done by those who are beside them, to help support them and stand up again. External wounds are relatively simple to treat when compared to mental ones especially if they are unwilling to share.

I wish to help him as when he is sad, i am 10x sadder but i must not show it as i am his only rock. Sadly though i have no rock for me to fall back on. I don't see a solution where everyone will be happy if i were to mediate this problem as the target to work on is a selfish and un-co-operative person. I have sacrificed alot and had to face up with monumental challenges with only an advice which i held dear to since it was advised to me 5 years back, "船到桥头自然直".

My own problems i can handle but how do i break it to someone who is stubborn and may not understand every word i say? His problem is my problem as it will snowball to me eventually. Actually i don't even know how to answer his worry. I am already shouldering what came my way, this burden i have been shouldering for so long that i don't even know its there. Perhaps, that is why i cannot shrug off my spare tyre. Completely exhausted from shouldering all the ordeals that i can't bear to move and shape up.

Seems like i really cannot dwell in my fantasy anymore. *Self bitch slap to wake up!* Nothing ever works the way you want them to :( How i wish things are not like this so that i can have the chance. *More self bitch slap!*

My current daily lullaby

My cousin introduced me this beautiful but sad song, Lavigne - 最後一次 (another version with lame actors).

在我最後一次閉上眼睛之前
我想對你說我愛你
在你懷裡捨不得放棄
心裡有千言萬語還沒說給你聽
我使勁全力不想閉上眼睛
這次告別就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘記
你曾經答應我你會好好活下去

先走了去了好遠的地方
不能再陪你看日出等不到天亮
所有回憶抹去卻並不容易
生死由天決定不要太傷心

在我最後一次閉上眼睛之前
我想對你說我愛你
在你懷裡捨不得放棄
心裡有千言萬語還沒說給你聽
我使勁全力不想閉上眼睛
這次告別就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘記
你曾經答應我你會好好活下去

在我最後一次閉上眼睛之前
我想對你說我愛你
在你懷裡捨不得放棄
心裡有千言萬語還沒說給你聽
我使勁全力不想閉上眼睛
這次告別就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘記
你曾經答應我你會好好活下去

This lullaby does not mean its boring or puts a sleeping spell on you, its just jives with something that i currently have struggling within me. My unwillingness to sleep for the fantasy that keeps on flashing in my head. The more i think about it, the more i feel that i should wake up. Alas, the time is still not right, i have still so much to do ...

Note : Again this song also does not reflect for what i feel for her. I have nothing for her anymore.

Unavoidable questioning

I suppose there was no escaping it as i have tried my best to avoid as many relatives' events as i possibly could in my current situation but CNY in my hometown, returning with 1 person short.

I tried my best to be as polite and gentle in answering their questions about what was going on. It was very uncomfortable but understandable that they would be needing to want to help or at the very least try to find out if they can help in any way.

A friend who returned from very far away chatted and helped me in getting some friendly legal advice. We shared our relationships ups and downs and sort of exchanged advices on how to improve. Quite emotional i would say, as we both ended up with teary eyes by the end of it. I was really looking forward for her return as she is one of the few people i can open up to.

The strangest question that i got was about regrets. I know i like to quote sayings but this time i disagree with it, "Live life without regrets". If you have no regrets then how do you learn from your mistakes, because it would be forgotten just like that and its as if you walked away with murder in a sense. You can have regrets but do not dwell on them until you cannot move on with your life. What has happened, have happened, there is nothing that can change it, well until there is a real time machine that allows you go and change the past BUT that is another thing entirely.

Of course for those who don't know will be asking the standard question of why i am alone, i can only smile and not really provide any good answers. Don't want them to worry when they are supposed to be having fun during this holiday season.