First cut is the deepest by Cheryl Crow

My colleague have been playing this song over and over again yesterday and suddenly the question was raised to whomever who decides to answer, i was quickest to answer that it was true, in fact, i think every cut is deep if you wager your heart in a relationship. Then another colleague said that she would like to listen to my story.

I hope the people involved in my stories won't come and kill me later on because these are my opinion and from my point of view.

Cut 1 :
Almost all her friends would call her T, i have the privilege to call her J, the same used by her family members :) Although it started out strange but i reckon i was pretty lousy, considering the fact that its really my first time to be in this deep. She is really fun and great to be with, i jumped at the opportunity to be with her at an out of school library where we were supposed to study (i hate to study actually :p ), but when we got there the library was closed and we chatted for quite some time waiting for it to be open. Things were ok i suppose considering im a newbie to this. My studies, contrary to popular belief might decrease has actually improved and that year i got 3rd in the class (she got 4th btw), my highest standing in all my years of studies :p Pathetic ain't it? The next year is a big exam which determines our tertiary education path, she told me that she would prefer to focus on study and see what the future holds after the exam. I wish to do well too so mutual agreed its for the better. From unverified rumours, i think she had 2 more relationships before the exam, though heartbroken to hear but the fact of the matter was the exam was more important. My results were ............. how do i put it, i was 1 point away from requiring to meet with the headmaster it was informed to me by the teacher in charge. I think i was seeing stars at that point of time before she handed to me the result slip. I was 1 point away from being a very good student by the standard which they have set. Many many nights go by where i would think, what if i had done this or that, what would have happened if we had stayed together etc. Crazy as it may sound, but i have been through the suicidal phase. Cutting your wrists without immersing in hot water is painfully hot, knocking your head against the wall does not remove your headache and could leave a mark, death by electrocution via wall plug is hard because your reflex would save you, i have acrophobia so jumping off buildings is gonna take alot of effort.

Cut 2 :
J (not the same J as above) was in a torrid relationship with her then boyfriend. My roommate was interested with her roommate and i was to her. So we sort of ganged up to tackle them :p I loved talking/listening to her, but i was also very much taken aback by her maturity level. Even when she was a young girl, she showed maturity way beyond any normal kid would show BUT that was not the reason why i fell for her. Im sure almost everyone have in heart a dream girl/guy, i would rate her >90% my dream girl. From external beauty (not really a killer body) to internal beauty (great attitude and brains), i was already thinking how to propose to her already :p Never in my wildest dream i thought i would really meet someone who have those qualities.

Perhaps unlike most other people, i did not try to ruin their already shaky relationship because believe it or not, the boyfriend was someone i know, someone from a course which i took but stopped halfway before going to college. She ended that relationship at the end of the first semester IIRC. We did not really begin our relationship in the open, only managing to hold hands when studying in a dark corner of the library, on the express bus which we take to get back home during semester breaks but never in the open. I was told it was not fair for me to be seen as a spannar who disrupted her relationship with her boyfriend. Sheepishly i went along with the idea, because all i wanted was to be with my dream girl. I believed i was happy with this underground love for something like a year when suddenly i began getting the cold shoulder, we have had ups and downs before but it was VERY different. My whole dream world crumbled before my eyes and there was NOTHING i could do at all T_T . I really did cry for many many nights, wetting my pillow, crying myself to sleep, asking why why why, WTF is going??? @_@ Knocking my head against the wall does not clear my very fuzzy thoughts. Same shitty excuse was used saying that studying overrules relationship, but again i was getting MUCH better results when i was with her :( . Same like cut 1, she have got into many other relationships before we finally got our degree.

It was not until last year (about 7 years later), that i got to find out the real reason behind our break up. Fear of third party rumours =X The funny thing was it was again for my sake, something which was supposed to be good for me but i have no idea of??? I was going like !(#*&%_!@(#*&%{+!@)(&%()@$*&%+!(#*&%_@(*$^&+!(&*%_*@!$%&_+)(!&*_(&*%_$@#!*&)%. Fucking hell, i know myself better or you know me better??? Would you give up your dream girl for fear of rumour mongers??? I'd just show "mlm mlm" to them!!! Sigh .........

Cut 3 :
Tired of good girls, i thought i'd give a bad girl a try. C was not your angelic girly which makes many guys weak in the knees but there are qualities which makes her stand out from among good and bad girls. This is even a more topsy turvy relationship. Perhaps she was over-pampered by her ex-s or im the lamest guy she has ever met. But surprisingly despite all that, we still somehow managed to be together. I would say of the 3 cuts, i have put the most effort, time and energy to make things work. I really loved her but to her it seems to be never enough. I am always compared to so and so, you are not romantic enough, not able to read her 'simple' mind, not able to buy her this and that, not able to like so and so, etc etc etc .......

We broke up with her giving me the strangest reason i have ever heard in my entire life. It is something which can be cured but refused to admit or accept treatment, though will not cause death but its not really something which cannot be resolved. Bah whatever, FUCK OFF!!!

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The lyrics are as per below if you are interested :

I would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
and she's taking almost all that I've got
but if you want, I'll try to love again
baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
'cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me she's worst
but when it comes to being loved she's first
that's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest

I still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
cause I'm sure gonna give you a try
and if you want, I'll try to love again
but baby, I'll try to love again, but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest

'Cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me she's worst
but when it comes to being loved she's first
that's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest