Half awake from a deep slumber

This is not about me waking up too early today. That would be the post above ^. I have got confirmation on something which i had suspected since Saturday. Things did not worked out as planned as im tied up with many other matters but in a way, im glad that this happened this way. It could have been worse and i may have lost a good friend.

If you can see me now, you will be able to know that im unhappy from my facial expression, im not known to be good at hiding how i feel. How i feel is generally shown on my face so depending on how 'black' it is, i would generally advise you to not test my patience because i believe it would have been reduced to zero or a bomb waiting to explode. However, depending on what it is, if you ask, i may share it if its not something which i do not want people to know.

I noticed that i have been in a deep slumber with a fantasizing dream which i did not wish to wake up from. A dream is a dream and reality it must face when i am awakened. I have actually scripted what might happen without taking into account of third party which may interfere, so what really happened now is just like what life can throw at you, surprises just when you least expect it.

In my script, i can see 2 endings where neither have a happy end, the way i see it. I have however factored in a unknown variable which have caused me some sleepless nights before. Since its unknown and very necessary, therefore there are infinite number of possibilities of how things might go. Since its a dream of course i would want the happier ending of the 2 to happen, knowing too well that its the least likely. But this unpredictable person have thrown up many surprises so the possibility no matter how remote it may seem may happen because she sometimes think very differently from other people.

I have changed my script very much factoring in more reality based variables. Perhaps i have underestimated a bit of the third party factor and too immersed into my fantasy that when things happened it just blew me away like what happened now. It doesn't matter because this is for the better, more for her and though less for me but i truly do wish her good luck as i have no confidence that i can come close to what she would have wanted. Many a time during her past relationships i have wanted to help but the green-eyed monster in me prevented me to do so.

After getting this out of the way, i can now hopefully concentrate on more pressing matters. My financials, "Say Goodbye", my job and what is left of my family. How funny is this, as i chatted with her, i talked about my other dream which now im striving towards is to provide for my family and try to shoulder more burden which my parents have been carrying for so long. With the heavy big stones which im carrying now, i must add-on more rocks and pebbles so that i can hopefully achieve that dream. There is still a long long way to go, next year's trouble is already in sight and nearer to now would be next month, 2 huge hurdles and i may have to go back into negatives to achieve what is asked of me.

Why is it half awake you may wonder? There is a small part of me that have not given up yet or to be more precise, is unwilling to surrender until i have got the answer told to me face to face or at least in a form which is concrete and will break this worthless piece of shit in me.

*Heaves a huge sigh of frustration!*

Ryu - My Memory (OST of Winter Sonata)

My Memory moh doo gee uhk hae yoh geuh soon gahn
Noon eul gahm euh myun ah joo jahk eun eel doh boh ee neh yoh
You're far away dah deul soo up neun goh seh
Sa rang hahn dah neun mahl doh gee dah leen dah neun mahl doh ha jee moht ha goh

Jung mahl mohl laht joh geuh dehl ee luht geh dah shee mahn nahl jool eun sehng gahk joh cha moht het suht joh

Ah jik nuhl sa rang hae ee jeh lah doh neh geh goh behk hahl kkeh
I want to love you forever
Neut jee ahn aht dah myun ee luht geh nah wah hahm kkeh young won hee

Oh leht dohng ahn geuh dehn nah ae gah seum ae mahn eun shee gahn heul luh doh
Ah joo muhl lee ee juh doh sahl ah eet sut joh

Jung mahl mohl laht joh geuh dehl ee luht geh dah shee mahn nahl jool eun sehng gahk joh cha moht het suht joh

Ah jik nuhl sa rang hae ee jeh lah doh neh geh goh behk hahl kkeh
I want to love you forever
Neut jee ahn aht dah myun ee luht geh nah wah hahm kkeh young won hee

English Translation

My Memory At that moment I remembered it all
When I see those memories they seem so small..
You're far away in a place that I can't reach
I can't wait for these words of love to be said

I really was to blame
Will I ever get to meet you again?
I can't even imagine that
I still love you and now I'll confess that to you
I wanna love you forever
It's not too late
Be with me forever

For a long time you've been in my heart
Much time passes and still you're far away, but I will stay alive

I really was to blame
Will I ever get to meet you again?
I can't even imagine that
I still love you and now I'll confess that to you
I wanna love you forever
It's not too late
Be with me forever