Anybody remembers Mr Neo?

For those who studied in SMKBTR would know him especially the Science stream classes as he taught us Additional Mathematics. Known to be quite a strict man, he is like any good teacher trying to do his best to get the best out of us.

I bumped into him taking the LRT last Thursday. He was bringing his daughter to the government dentist just opposite my office. Using his benefits as an ex-government servant very well :)

He asked me which batch i was from as he has been a teacher for so many years. I told him and also naming a few of my friends who were more popular and smart to spur on his memory.

After knowing which year i finished school at BTR, he told me that he moved on to Sentul to become headmaster there the next year. He just retired 3 years ago, meaning to say he was headmaster for 5 years.

Our conversations were few and far in between literally speaking as we were seperated by other commuters. We both alighted at BTR station and now he drives a SLK (small little kancil) which is an upgrade to his very old Honda kap.

He still looks very much like he was when he was teaching us 10 years ago. His hair neatly combed with his grey hair here and there. Put on a little weight IMO but again like i said, he still looks very much like in the old days.

My first ever HDD died T_T

I remember i bought my 20GB HDD at either PC Fair or MicroFest where i went along with my friends hunting for cheap CDRs to burn games or animes. I used my CNY angpau money which totalled about Rm200+. Because my PC died for quite some time so i took out my this HDD so i could use my those external IDE connector to access it via my office laptop, BUT sadly it died on me when i wanted to copy some songs which i wanted to listen to in office, the dreaded "tak tak tak" sound was heard and my Mp3 folder was empty. In this HDD there are more than 10GB of my favourite songs, my entire song collection, mixture of English, Chinese, Japanese, Malay and other languages songs. If anyone every copied any songs from me, now is the time i wish they liked my collection and still have it with them so that i can copy back what i have lost.

The song which i wanted to hear most now can only be streamed which is not a good thing as the admins in my office now are trying to keep tabs on which IP is utilizing high bandwidth so streaming is bad. The song is called 分手吧 by 张震岳.

写一封没有地址的信
想寄到你的心里
告诉你渐渐变淡的爱
你是否曾经注意
过去的美丽日子已经不再
我还在傻傻地找寻
也许你想要说但说不出口
我知道你想说
分手吧 我们分手吧
不要在骗我说你还爱著我
你我的梦
彼此的不同
就算是当作一时糊涂爱错
分手吧 我们分手吧
不要在骗我说你还爱著我
你我的梦
彼此的不同
就算是当作一时糊涂爱错
分手吧

写一封没有地址的信
想寄到你的心里
告诉你渐渐变淡的爱
你是否曾经注意
过去的美丽日子已经不再
我还在傻傻地找寻
也许你想要说但说不出口
我知道你想说
分手吧 我们分手吧
不要在骗我说你还爱著我
你我的梦
彼此的不同
就算是当作一时糊涂爱错
分手吧 我们分手吧
不要在骗我说你还爱著我
你我的梦
彼此的不同
就算是当作一时糊涂爱错
分手吧

分手吧 我们分手吧
不要在骗我说你还爱著我
你我的梦
彼此的不同
就算是当作一时糊涂爱错
分手吧 我们分手吧
不要在骗我说你还爱著我
你我的梦
彼此的不同
就算是当作一时糊涂爱错
分手吧

>90% of the words used in this song describes how im feeling now.

T_T *Tears rolls down my cheeks*

Alone since 23/8/2008

To the outside world, the unthinkable had happened. For the people involved, perhaps you can call it that the volcano finally erupted. The tension and patience could not be held back anymore and therefore had to be released. Accumulation of problems on top of each other which could not be resolved resulted in this incident. Every effort which can be thought of by me have been tried to be done but sadly to no avail.

Yes, everyone would agree that its a great pity and waste to throw in the towels after so much effort have been put into it. Everybody would love to help but let me ask you, how do you want to help if you do not know what is the problem? Even if you know the problem, there must be co-operation from the people involved to try to resolve it.

Who is the selfish one i have not a scale to measure against. What is left now is a big headache as to how to make others understand that like many things in this world, what is seen is not the real thing.

Though i do not sleep as late as i used to 12+, but i wake up every morning, feeling that i have not had a proper rest. This could be due to several causes. Im having dreams almost throughout the night, good and bad ones. I don't get much dreams before this which is good as your brain do not need to generate those images and keep on working when you are supposed to get rest. When i do wake up, i check on my son, making sure he is not too out of position from his sleeping area on the bed, try to pull covers over him so that he won't get cold. He is not afraid of the cold as he is a 'hot' type of person, even in airconditioned rooms he would reject being covered with blankets.

My panda eyes are so aparent, it reminds me of looking at an old friend of mine when we were in school, his eye bags were always there and dark, wanna take a guess? Not only that, my mind is blank despite looking like im troubled by deep thoughts.

2 paragraphs of the chorus from Nobody Knows by The Tony Rich Project

I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closin' more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about
The love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

They say that .....................

when you get older, you get wiser. You will look at things differently and your thinking will be more mature as you have experienced ups and downs as you progress to your decline. But then again, its like a science question, you now know more about something but with that knowledge you actually find out that you don't know a whole lot more things. So isn't it ironic that you are actually not getting wiser perhaps you are even getting more stupid?

when bad luck is upon you, more bad luck will follow suit. Many a time, when you thought you have reached a very low point in life, you get beaten down even more be it real luck or some happenings in life. I know, i have advised others that, "What don't kill you makes you stronger" but im at a stage of bleeding out 6/7 liters of my blood. I have been half dead many times during my short life, but at this moment in time, im sinking faster than a tonne of gold into the Mariana Trench.

when you are trapped in the deepest darkest situation, there will somehow be a light to guide you out of whatever deep pile of shit you are in. Perhaps for those who failed they are forever trapped in their deepest darkest pit and totally loses it from the real world. Swimming in the darkness with no sense of direction or purpose.

when the going get tough, the tough does something. I wonder what would the tough do if he was a lump of jello?

when you think negatively, you will get more negatives. If there is not glimmer of light to guide you or a wall which you can lean on or even a floor for you to fall on to, of course since you are not McGuyver you won't have a swiss army knife nor Zippo in hand to help you out.

there are people even worse off than you. If everyone is unique then that person is in a unique pile of deep shit catered for him.

(in Chinese) people to people comparison will result in death. Peer pressure does get to someone especially if you are not able to compete.

there is a God. Perhaps i have been watching too much House M.D, but God is so similar to blind faith whereby nobody knows for sure that there is a Heaven or Hell for you to go to after your so called crossing over or Judgement Day or other terminologies that you want to use.

good deeds will repaid with many fold of better things to the doer. So if the reverse is true then a bad deed should also get many fold of worse things to the doer, BUT then how do i find that more baddies are still alive and kicking while the good guys are falling faster than you can say "Merry Christmas".

sorry is useless. What is done is done and the word is just a formality whether you mean it or not. All is said to be forgiven but the thorn is forever latched in the heart, the scar will never heal and will always bleed out when bullets are required to be fired.

there are so many things in life so always try to stop and smell the roses else you will miss everything as they fly past you.

Swimming in melancholy

At first i wanted to post something about my experiences during my college days after many many flashbacks from my long chat with my first sem roommate cum classmate but it does not reflect what is really going on now to me. Melancholy is a word which i came across when flipping through a dictionary during my many many boring days in college. It is said that bad things comes cascading down but the reverse is rarely the case. Bad luck follows you when you don't need it the most.

Note for non-chinese educated readers : If you would want to be able to understand the chinese words going to be used and you are using Firefox, install this extension so that you will be able to" read" the chinese words.

The relation of my roommate vs my melancholy is that he brought a CD Walkman with him to college and i often borrow it to listen to chinese songs (which was quite foreign for me then). The likes of Power Station and Zhang Zhen Yue were his favourites and due to lack of choices, i too began to like their songs. Zhang Zhen Yue's songs were mostly simple (in terms of chinese phrases used) and the music was fun though the lyrics may not be. One of my favourite song by Zhang Zhen Yue was introduced to you all here. As for Power Station, my favourite is still 那就这样吧.

It is very odd even to myself why i like sad songs so much. One of my bad bad habit which i always admit was picked up from a song by Jordan Chan. 没那种命 had alot of sighing in it and during my times of sadness this song was played over and over again until my then roommate would puke and even for him to be able to remember the lyrics. Sorry my dear old friend, im sure you understand how i felt during those troubled times and thank you for being there and also to put up to my ever loud big sighs. I loved many of Jordan's song because his songs uses very simple words which coincided with his own down times to express his sadness in his songs at that time.

Another song which was not so famous but brought a very deep meaning for me was by Leo Ku titled 木纳.

我在你家楼下
喊你喊到声音越来越哑
想笑就笑想哭你就哭吧
到我怀里把我当成是他
女人喜欢男人很会说话
偏偏我的个性不多话
情话甜得太肉麻谎话真的很复杂
所以听不清楚不如作罢
你说我太木纳
承诺短得只有一句话
谈恋爱的文化我学习得很差
你问得我难以招架
我怪我太木纳
安慰总是说得坑坑巴巴
不擅长的笑话我尽量在表达
就算别人笑我太傻
我在你家楼下
喊你喊到声音越来越哑
想笑就笑想哭你就哭吧
到我怀里把我当成是他
女人喜欢男人很会说话
偏偏我的个性不多话
情话甜得很肉麻谎话真的很复杂
所以说不清楚不如作罢
你说我太木纳
承诺短得只有一句话
谈恋爱的文化我学习得很差
你问得我难以招架
我怪我太木纳
安慰总是说得坑坑巴巴
不擅长的笑话我尽量在表达
就算别人笑我太傻
你说我太木纳
承诺短得只有一句话
谈恋爱的文化我学习得很差
你问得我难以招架
我怪我太木纳
安慰总是说得坑坑巴巴
不擅长的笑话我尽量在表达
就算别人笑我太傻
太木纳

Edit : How can i miss out this song, it got me pass many many days during my sadness over my love on another girl. 赵传 - 爱要怎么说出口

教我怎么能不难过
你劝我灭了心中的火
我还能够怎么说怎么说都是错
你对我说离开就会解脱
试着自己去生活试着找寻自我
别再为爱蹉跎
何必为爱蹉跎

只是爱要怎么说出口
爱要怎么说出口
我的心里好难受
如果能将你拥有我会忍住不让眼泪流
第一次握你的手指间传来你的温柔
每一次深情眼光的背后
谁知道会有多少愁多少愁

教我怎么能不难过
你劝我灭了心中的火
我还能怎么做怎么做都是错
如果要我把心对你解剖
只要改变这结果
我会说我愿意做我受够了寂寞

Of course being a non-chinese educated person, i will understand more english songs where words i can search up easily if i do not know the meaning. If a chinese word is not understood you will have to approach a person who is patient enough to withstand your utterly stupid questions as to what the word means and/or how to use it.

One english song's chorus which really describe what im going through would be Nobody Knows by The Tony Rich Project. Its personal enough for me not willing to share but depressing enough to not able to hide it. Its just like a saying which i have not used for a VERY long time, "I have lost my smile".

Many of the songs which i listened to could (still) bring tears to my eyes. Im actually quite down and out for many weeks already. I thank my friends who took notice of my strange status updates in Facebook to help lift me up from my gloominess.

Don't FUCKING ask me about these anymore.

Q = Question.
SA = Sarcastic answer
RA = Real answer

Q : "Hey lawsh, when do you want to move in to your new house?"

SA : "Oh hey, i just i want to do a case study on how the forest can reclaim Cheras at my new house, you know just like how the forests reclaimed Angkor Wat."

RA : "I don't fucking have the money to continue the renovation works. And by the way its not owned by me. I can only manage to get through the month every month but i still carry debts, so how to take on more debts when you are already negative?"

Q : "Do you still live at your old house?"

SA : "Oh yeah, been renting for almost 2 decades already, very kam ching"

RA : "I would very much love to have a place of my own be it even by rental BUT i can't fucking afford it all. It is really hard for me to explain why i don't have enough money, im not a spendthrift person in fact i would honestly admit that im fucking stingy."

Q : "So how is your house searching going on?"

SA : "Im spoiled by choices"

RA : "I have found several decent and of course after years of defiance not to look at non-landed properties, i had to give in as i do not have enough means to be able to look at the numbers required monthly."

Q : "So when are you going to have a second baby? 3-4 years gap is a good time already"

SA : "I am so damned happy to have sex everyday that i don't want to stop it for 9 months due to the pregnancy"

RA : "If you know the size of my house/room then you will know that there is not enough room for me to expand my family. This coupled together with my negative monthly income goes hand in hand with why i can't afford another one now. I too would LOVE to have more children, my original intention is to have 4 in total, 2 boys and 2 girls given the choice."

Q : "You still with M******? Why not try other places?"

SA : "M****** is so damned good with its super benefits that i refuse to leave, i can kick back and relax but still enjoy all those shit"

RA : "I have been job hunting since this post. Its not like i did not get any offers at all, i did get one about December last year. Its salary offer and benefits are fair enough BUT some more realistic calculation methods were introduced to me and it is not much of an improvement (around 5% annually, a good increase should be in the region of 20-30%) to my current job. To add a twist to this story, i received a promotion letter on 1st April backdating my promotion to January 08. So by staying i still got the salary being offered by that company and retain the benefits which i am entitled to now. Another offer did come in by a famous consulting firm but it was more towards programming which i do not prefer and hence being a stupid fucking idiot honest person i went and told the HR that given the choice i would not take it up, BUT in reality if i really took up a job which i could not handle then it may be worst given the fact that it has taken me more than 2 years to receive just 2 offers."

Q : "Long time no see you, you look fat"

SA : "I don't have to worry already, my stocks are wholly owned by my wife already"

RA : "To be honest with you, i eat much lesser than i did before marriage. Why am i still expanding sideways? I have no fucking idea, i don't exercise much before and after marriage, so not much difference in that sense. I take half portion of rice after my marriage especially at night. I dislike fatty meats because they make me puke, i eat a whole lot more veggies nowadays, a lesson learnt far too late as i have already suffered the consequences of pimples and acne outbreaks."

Q : "Are you balding?"

SA : "9 out of 10 bald men are rich men, i may be joining the 9's club"

RA : "Its genetics, i have not have much hair since my schooling days. The 'M' sign on my forehead only makes it more apparent. Perhaps too much Maggi could have contributed to it as well."

Q : "Why do you always act like you are cool?"

SA : "Did you know that you use less muscle by frowning than to smile? It means that you won't get wrinkles as fast"

RA : "To be honest, i did not know that by NOT smiling, its cool @_@!. Im not built to smile, if you ask me to smile to take a photo, my lips would end up like a straight line only. Unless im really happy, you won't get a real smile out of me. I do LOL alot real life but its mostly sarcastic."

Note : more may be added if i can think of more

FF7 : Crisis Core for the PSP

For those who have played Final Fantasy 7 would be somewhat interested to try anything which is related to it. I am no different. No, i do not own a PSP, it belongs to my sister's boyfriend.

The game bears a lot resemblance to the original FF7 BUT it is much more linear which the developers tried to cover up with its sidequests called "Missions" in the game. There are many scenes and items which will bear great significance to loyal FF7 players.

I loved the materia system in this game which is relatively simple unless you want to freakish and merge them to become the highest level possible just for the sake of completing the game.

Its different from the original game whereby every battle will be real time and not time-based turns. I suppose they just want to move on faster and also to make the game more exciting for the newer generation of players.

It took me over 23 hours to finish the game, in real life time it took me about 2-3 weeks. The original game took me almost 50 hours to complete (48+ if not mistaken).

The game does explain more about some stories in FF7, you get to see many familiar characters and in a way somewhat reveals their history. That is the whole aim of this 10th anniversary game.