Saturday, July 04, 2009

We have now known each other for 10 years already!

Somewhere in this month, 10 years ago, a bunch of youngsters traveled 500km (with reference from KL) to an island in the north to further their studies. There they met, become friends and lived together for 3 years on that island, through the ups and downs of college life. Only a handful stuck together as friends and sometimes have small gatherings. Some have traveled far and wide, some have joined together in holy matrimony, some have found lines of work which have nothing to do with what they studied at all but nothing changed the fact of their obscure education place which could sometimes be hard to explain.

My dear roommates are of course the people whom i spend the most time with. More than 50% have dropped out of communication or contact but a few remained. These few are the people whom i really had a great time with. Most are fond memories, happy ones but of course there are insane ones as well. Let me try to list some, daily beach walks, Padang Matsirat pasar malam on Sundays, Bob's food stall, nasi goreng biasa and nasi goreng ayam, walks to airport to withdraw money, RM3 30 minute van rides to Kuah, the constant non-working air-conditioned free bus ride to Kuah, 5-6am arrivals at the Kuala Perlis jetty, tax free KFC (less than RM10 for 3 pieces of chicken set!), Hello Kitty craze @ McDonald's, Samudra shopping center purchases, rented car ran out of petrol (LOLz, no prizes for guessing who :p), strange pronounciations by the lecturers from Indon, incredible shifting of study schedules to extend a 1-day holiday to become 10 days, birthday celebrations with AIR KOLAM! and so many more.

Our college life together was truly remarkable not to mention unforgettable. Through the thick and thin we persevered and we got our prize in the end. So many firsts to be experienced together. Sigh, my recent exam did flashed back some hellish studying for exams back then. If i did not have my good friends with me during this period, i would definitely be lost. A very good friend brought me back to reality on many occassions when my concentration was broken on insignificant matters. I really would like to thank Zbjernak for pulling me out of depression on many occassions. His optimism and advices slapped me back to reality that there are more important things to be bothered about. I have to say he is truly a great friend and miss him alot since he is so damn far away now :(

Then there is the unsuspected rocker. The supposed low profile dude who is great on the guitar. From him i learned to shake my head and body to Guns N' Roses, Metallica and many more. His programming genius got us through for many semesters. His then most powderful graphic card to play CS and indeed we did have a great time playing CS on a self created LAN, 4 rooms of PCs connected to a switch and studies were almost dropped for quite some time. My ex-collection of mp3s were from him, at least 10GB worth of songs, how i wish to listen to them all again.

The skinny kiddo from Sabah. Lazy as he is, he showed me things which i did not expect from someone of his age. It was thanks to him that i managed to step my feet into the Land below the Winds, his treat mar :p I spent 1 week there and even had the privilege to taste his mother's cookings. Simple but great stuff, fresh seafood. I hosted him when he was here for a couple of weeks. One of the few guys whom i know who likes to have long sleeps and would skip class just for sleep.

My first sem roommate who did not finish the course with us but a great guy worthy of a seperate paragraph. He introduced to me Chinese rock songs of which i still enjoy up till today. Its strange that we still keep in contact despite not spending too much time together. With help from his girlfriend, we got some extra tips on our course studies. I still remember a hopeful night whereby we thought the exam papers may be exactly the same as his girlfriend's :p

Not to forget a very interesting person whose name is the same as a popular red dog. Only managed to catch up with him once after college and lost contact until now :( The ups and downs of our days in college and being roommates, the way he carries himself reminds me of someone... Really able to cheer people up with his infectious big smile.

My coursemates also left many endearing memories, a strange girl whose maturity is beyond many people's imagination, a drama queen who showed me that there are really these type of people in the real world, an ex-promising football player who got injured and therefore did not make the cut, an old man who doesn't behave his own age, a ghostlike girl who takes pills for meals, a girl whose lifestyle do not reflect where she comes from (not that it mattered), a sleepyhead who manages to get 'A's with seemingly effortless, a beautiful malay girl who showed me a pic of her without her tudung and left an imprint in my mind, a girl who describes herself as drawing chinese characters not writing them because she draws the characters as how she remembers them instead of following the proper strokes and many many more interesting characters which welcomed me to the real world, real people of which i have been shielded for almost my entire life before then.

My neighbours whom i lazed around with to get through the boring times when there is no class. So many interesting characters, so many memories. Initial D craze swept my college when someone brought the series in. Although i have watched all the episodes before, one day at a friend's room, he was hosting an Initial D marathon watching session, i remember skipping lunch and watched for like the whole day for all the episodes that was available. Point to note, a CDROM drive is NOT for marathon CD watching because the CDROM drive went dead the very next day XD

After our almost weekly outing to pasar malam, a friend would buy a movie and there will be a showing in his room. A great way to spend the night while eating the many foods bought for dinner. When more and more PCs were brought into college, LAN games was the thing on everyone's mind whenever there was no class.

Although i don't smoke, i hang around with many smokers and most of the time i would be smoked by them but never intentionally. I can't understand what's so fun about smoking, its bitter and it made me dizzy as hell after a few puffs. A good side effect which i see would be that MOST smokers are thin, perhaps its corelated to the fact that they are spending money on smoked instead of food.

Having gay neighbours was really something interesting. They are not bad people, they come from troubled families and in college they find people who have the same interest as they do. I learnt quite some things from them just by talking to them, different perspectives and angles of looking at things are real eye openers.

Although booze was cheap, we never had a big party where getting drunk would be the agenda. I did however on several occassions try to douse my sadness with alcohol, got me through the night but never really relieving the real pain. Missed my chance to try out homemade tuak specially made and sent all the way from Sarawak :(

Such fond memories and they seem to be not too long ago. I intentionally missed out a gathering a few months ago due to personal reasons. I really do miss those days in a sense.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Nike lar!

For those who have caught my strange behavior have tried to console me and try to give me very sound advices but perhaps i have made up my mind or even have not the confidence nor spirit to carry out what is in my mind. A very long winded chat spawned from my status update, with what cannot be considered as crazy advice is as follows :

[14:50] R: wat so stupid?
[14:55] Lawsh: sigh
[14:56] R: was that the answer???
[14:57] Lawsh: answer to?
[14:58] R: wat so stupid?
[14:58] Lawsh: thinking vs feeling
[15:01] R: too chim for me liau
[15:01] Lawsh: its my rant mar
[15:01] Lawsh: doesn't have to be understood
[15:02] Lawsh: for the time being, i can't even understand myself
[15:02] R: for me always go with feeling
[15:02] R: dun think too much
[15:02] R: if you feel it is the right thing, or if you feel you want to do this then just do
[15:03] Lawsh: haha as an adult you should know that that is not the way to go
[15:04] R: aiyo, you feel most happy without probs when you are a kid ma
[15:04] R: so why change?
[15:05] Lawsh: because education killed me?
[15:05] R: no, cos you think too much when you grow older
[15:05] R: :P
[15:06] Lawsh: bad side of me, i like to think when its not really required
[15:06] R: and there lies the problem
[15:06] Lawsh: when i really do need to think, like before i open my big mouth, its not that effective or fast :p
[15:06] R: when you think too much, got too many pros and cons liau
[15:06] R: then after all that thinking can still make the wrong decision
[15:07] R: number 1 rule, if you feel you will be happy doing it, then NIKE
[15:07] Lawsh: consequences
[15:08] R: consequences is later
[15:08] R: most important is to feel happy at the present
[15:08] R: no one knows if there is a tomorrow one
[15:08] R: but that being said, must also be reasonable la
[15:09] R: dun feel like spending all money then do that
[15:09] R: lol
[15:17] Lawsh: that is where reason kicks in
[15:18] R: reason la, but not think too much
[15:18] R: as long as not too over the top then ok
[15:25] Lawsh: not everything can gung ho one
[15:26] R: true la, but sometimes also really need to gung ho ma
[15:26] R: do or die
[15:27] Lawsh: well for this case i think i should not
[15:27] R: there you go again
[15:27] R: dun think
[15:27] R: feel
[15:28] Lawsh: we shall see how things progress
[15:29] R: good luck
[15:31] Lawsh: long process because im not nike-ing :p
[15:33] R: I know, cos you stil thinking about it ma
[15:33] R: YOU"RE NOT LISTENING!!!!!
[15:33] R: kakakaka
[15:34] Lawsh: hehehe
[15:34] Lawsh: cannot lar
[15:35] Lawsh: that is why stupid stupid? :D
[15:35] R: not considered stupid
[15:35] R: maybe its CLUELESS
[15:35] R: hahaha
[15:36] Lawsh: + low confidence + not so much courage for the consequences
[15:36] Lawsh: + others *sigh*
[15:37] Lawsh: so *sigh* stupid stupid :p
***the rest have been edited as the advices have ended, the topics that follow is not for this story
Perhaps a made up mind is not so easily changed after all. Sound as they are, logical as it may appear but for someone who did not know what was on my mind, he was spot on with one side of me. The suppressed me who really want to carry out what has been on my mind for many many years. The changes of time do not allow me to do so for it has also changed many things. Confidence has been eroded and time after time of stupidity have caused growing fear in me. "Dare to Fail" was a title of a successful book of a failed man who rose from the ashes of his failure, failure is not what i seek, its what i do not want to encounter. However, from my own permutations and simulations, nothing good can come out from what i seek to carry out if i do it now.

The crazy thing was after speaking to him and letting him coax me to Nike, i was so very close to doing it. I was there and had the chance, the opportunity was begging me to take up. My racing heartbeat somehow jolted me back into reality. "Do i really want to do this now?". I am so very close yet i am also so very far. *Chuckles* Decisions, decisions...

A second chance did knock on my door again. Is there really someone upstairs trying to knock my idiot head to come to senses of all the opportunities which presents itself? Perhaps the consequences of spilling the beans may not be as bad as i thought but i do not have the balls to face it. The amount of fail so far have made me smaller and smaller, more fear avoidance than a Leo would normally be. I feel like wuss now, a rat, a scaredy cat. Only time will tell if i really will live to regret my decision or forever hold my peace.

I foresee another opportunity presenting itself very soon, perhaps i can carry out what i wanted to do in a more subtle way, i can't draft up a good enough plan to do it in a gung ho manner. I will have to explain myself when the subtle method is finally understood, perhaps that would be my final stand, my judgement day. I told someone that, "You may try to make the most perfect plan but reality always mess with your plans". I am shooting myself in the leg with a double barrel shotgun, aren't i? :x :x :x

Sunday, June 21, 2009

有口讲人,无口话自己

I won't claim that im a great adviser always having the best advices to whomever who seeks for help but i do believe logically, the advices i have given are sound and most of the time well thought through. Sadly though i cannot advise myself :(

Although i have forwarded the below to my friends but frustratingly i was not able to apply it to myself, distancing myself from the ones whom i love dearly (this would now exclude her). Below is a forwarded email which i have distributed to my friends who are in a relationship.
Why do we shout when we are angry?

To those who are happily married or who are trying to work towards a happy marriage ...

One day, a professor asked his students 'Why do we SHOUT instead of speak when we are ANGRY?'

All the students thought for a while.

One answered 'Because we lost our cool. That's why we SHOUT.'

Asked the professor again, 'But the person is just right next to you, why can't we talk softly but have to SHOUT?'

Everyone gave their opinions but none was accepted by the professor.

Lastly explained by the professor 'When we are ANGRY, our hearts drift apart. To mask the DISTANCE we felt, we instinctively SHOUT instead of speak so the other party can hear us.'

'But as we SHOUT, we get ANGRIER. And we felt we drift apart further. So we SHOUT even louder...'

'It is the opposite when we are in love. Not only we do not shout, we whisper into each other ears. Why?'

'This is because our hearts are very close, almost never apart. As our love deepen, we reach a state of communication where there is no need for words.'

'We understand each other well enough just by exchanging look,' concluded the professor.

'Therefore, when we are arguing, DO NOT speak words that will make our hearts drift apart. WAIT a few days. When you feel your hearts are no longer far apart, pick up the conversation and continue from there..

I really feel the distance but many a time i am left with no choice, especially so in the area of parenting :( Much to learn, i still have to.

Looking at myself in the mirror i asked, "How dare you scold others what you cannot do yourself?" A big "FAIL" should be etched across my forehead signifying my failures and to remind myself that you should apply what you are trying to impose/advise to others.

I have given advices that "Time heals all wounds" to many friends who were down when they faced their difficulty, this however i have really experienced and time does dampen the effects somewhat. When it comes to myself again, there are so many things which i wish to forget but my forgetful nature is not helping one bit. Is it that the more i want to forget about something, the more i will think about it and hence not able to forget? Time does erode many things, but what i hope to be eroded seems to be made of gold/diamond which are quite resistant to erosion.

Note : I have too many headaches gangbanging me and the hot weather does shorten my already short fuse. Although i felt i have toned down on the number of explosions but when one does happen, it ain't pretty.

Friday, June 19, 2009

What happens after the exam?

I have went through the ITIL exam on Wednesday after (2 weeks plus) 3 days of course. To be totally honest, it was quite similar to college. You labor for the whole duration of the course and in the end, the lecturer gives you a few helpful tips which of course as you'd might expect is like a carbon copy of the question. Tips and hints are limited so you must really have some memory of the content of the course book to get you to pass.

The time was supposed to be 60 minutes and due to a catch which stipulated that if the primary language of the person taking the exam is not English then ... you get extra 15 minutes. Its not like it really mattered, i took the exam very much similar to how i faced exams in the past, answer through the whole thing and that should be the final answer. I think i took about 30 minutes to finish the 40 mind twisting questions in the form quite similar to SPM's History paper. I did a few more rounds of checking and decided that my first answer was going to be my final answer.

2 weeks to find out whether i really passed. I seriously do not want to go through that again, i was absolutely exhausted on the third day. Coffee just barely got me through the day, to think that i even took a bottle of chicken's essence =_="

Thursday went back to work and i was shoved into the deep end of the pool and was forced to survive with little help (ironic that i am an OK swimmer in real life that i used this expression). Hectic life back at the office, many many things to follow up and the more that i have to do being chased by internal and external auditors T_T not to mention the many other parties which i suddenly find myself owing them documents, tasks, meetings, etc etc etc.

Next week is gonna be a blast, i have my boss all to myself, all my colleagues are going for another course! They will be gone for the whole week and i will be the shopkeeper who do not have the authority to do almost everything. Isn't it better to just close shop? :p I seriously hope that there will be no major issues.

I have to clear 1.5 days and there are only 2 more days which i can choose to do so. I was so busy today that i forgot to carry forward my leave, MUST remember to do it soon else it will be forfeited. Sigh, have more audit things to follow up, conduct a huge meeting for another audit =_=" (getting boring ain't it?), so many shit that is causing me to lose even more hair =_=

Come to think of it maybe the ITIL exam was the easier of the 2, at least i have some definite thing to focus on and not so many parties all wanting me to do everything, internal auditors trying to bully and catch my variance against my colleagues, auditors pressuring me for answers from the application support teams, working with kayus who should be given the boot. Time to look for more courses? :p

Monday, June 15, 2009

Baby Kai Xin in the newspapers finally

This is my first time viewing pictures of her bloated stomach. It is hard to imagine the 22 inches waist that baby have when you consider those slim ladies to have 22 inches and up waists. The transplant needs to be done ASAP and your help to gather the required amount is very much appreciated.

Excerpts from Sin Chew Jit Poh dated 15/6/2009 :



Sunday, June 14, 2009

I just don't get it???!!!

I consider myself as a serious person. So i would expect that what i say would be considered as serious especially if im not smiling. To my horror, the more serious i want to convey my mind, the more likely it is treated as a joke. @_@"Vice versa, my jokes would then be considered as facts ...

After being in the working society for quite some time, cold hard truths must be toned down and gently broken to the target unless they are like me who would prefer to take it up as it is. I have angered many people when i told direct truths and learning from that i have to take a longer route of breaking the news to them.

That being said, there are a bunch of people who won't be able to grasp what im trying say and i had to think of another way of putting it to them. You can't call them stupid as some of these people are very intelligent in their own ways or at work. Perhaps they have become specialized in those field that they are not able to comprehend what is outside of that circle?

Sometimes i feel its really hard to communicate and i feel like trapped on an island speaking a complete set of different language. I have to use sign languages which have limited expressions to put forward my real intent. SIGH ...

A somewhat related song :
Linkin Park - Given Up

I wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me

Goddddddd!!!!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my fucking misery

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
A somewhat related to my intent song :

迪克與牛仔 - 愛如潮水

不問你為何流眼淚
不在乎你心裡還有誰
且讓我給你安慰
不論結局是喜是悲
走過千山萬水
在我心裡你永遠是那麼美

既然愛了 就不後悔
再多的苦我也顧意背
我的愛如潮水
愛如潮水將我向你推
緊緊跟隨
愛如潮水它將你我包圍

* 我再也不願見你在深夜裡買醉
不願別的男人見識你的嫵媚
你該知道這樣會讓我心碎
答應我你從此不在深夜裡徘徊
不要輕易嚐試放縱的滋味
你可知道這樣會讓我心碎 *

既然愛了就無怨無悔
再多的苦我也顧意背
我的愛如潮水
愛如潮水將我向你推
緊緊跟隨
愛如潮水它將你我包圍
Repeat *

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The RM500k donation account + other details (updated)

This is a continuation from this appeal. If you intend to help, the details are as per below.

MBB Account Number : 1-14013-213313
Name : Lee Huey Jing (the mother for Loke Kai Xin)
Email Confirmation : hueyjing[at]hotmail.com --> replace [at] with @, this is was done to prevent bots from listing this email address for spam.

NOTE : This is not those fund account and if there are too many transactions it may be blocked.

There is a Facebook group but its a closed group and only for direct friends. If you want to read more about their appeal, then go on and have a look there.

A friend from far away have taken the initiative to bank in to me before this before i managed to get this account number and transfer to her. He donated RM500!

Her ex-colleagues are now trying to help source newspaper publications and other sources to help get more donations. I will update as and when i get these details.

On behalf of Huey Jing, i would like to thank those who will donate to her and help her cause.

Edit for the benefit of those who do not have Facebook :

From: ericloke[at]hotmail.com
CC: hueyjing[at]hotmail.com
Subject: Thank you for all the well wishes and update on Kai Xin
Date: Wed, 10 Jun 2009 09:37:14 +0800


To all dearest friends, colleagues, and friends’ friends


First of all, I would like to say thank you in a million for the kindness help out and support on us (money, lucky star, lucky rice, prays, well wishes and etc). At here, I would like to make an updates to you all on how is Kai Xin and also our trip to Singapore.

We are safe and backed to Malaysia from Singapore after several assessments were carried out included recipient and donor. For Kai Xin, she went through all the assessments; her status for now is still ok and if she don’t carry out the liver transplant operation, surely will lead to the lend stage of liver failure.

As usual, a lot of relatives, colleagues, friends asked me when is the operation is going to carry out, is the transplant operation date being fixed and etc. However, myself and even the liver transplant team couldn’t given me a tentative date for the operation because her weight is not up to the requirement 8.0 kg (at least 7.6 kg and above, they will start the workout and most probably arrange the date for us). It is because the main factors for the transplant is not only timing, it is also depend on the patient’s requirement and health condition. Thus, we only can do for now is pushing up her weight and maintain her healthy level at the tip-top condition.

For you all information, as spoken to the liver transplant team, to workout a liver transplant is not easy as compare to other operation. They required a lot of assessments to be carried out for both recipient and donor. When everything (patient’s weight, health condition for patient and donor, mentality readiness, and so on) is ready for the patient and donor, they will quickly arrange the operation in the soonest time. Surely, they wouldn’t take the risk to go for the operation if the patient and even the donor are not fit. During the assessment week, we also met up with social worker and psychiatrist.

On donor side, since father is not a suitable person to be the donor, now they work out the assessment on mother. The reason is father’s liver artery is too short and narrow if the surgeon cut out the left lobe of the liver. Although there is no risk for father, but it will lead for future complication and the result will not be good for Kai Xin. When I heard this outcome, I feel so sad and really cried out after walked out from surgeon’s clinical room.

I think the GOD must has more important tasks for father to carry out. On the day, it is a very difficult night (Thursday) for me and Huey Jing to fall in sleep, we feel worry, tension, fear and etc. Because right after the surgeon turned down me as the donor, immediate we arranged Huey Jing to carry out the most important test (CT Scan) on Friday morning. Is very lucky and I think mostly there are a lot of wishes, prayers from you all to support us, Huey Jing successfully went through the vital scan and her liver size and artery structure is very complete and straight forward (our legs were shaking when the pediatric surgeon Prof. Prabha [liver transplant main surgeon] opened up the hospital system to go through the scanned result in front of us, wow at that moment both of us can only pray, pray and pray). So at this stage, Huey Jing is a suitable donor prior the rest of the assessments.

So the next course of action in summary is: -

  • Kai Xin has to gain her weight up to 8 Kg, liver transplant team will arrange the day for operation when her weight up to 7.6 Kg (Current weight, 7.2 kg inclusive of water in her tummy)
  • Maintain Kai Xin’s healthy level as good as possible
  • Mother can carry out the rest of the assessments anytime
  • Kai Xin currently is at UMSC for medical treatment and will stay in UM for longer period in order to gain up her weight. As recommended by doctor, they will use a feeding pump machine via n/g tube to feed her gradually in the night time (less milk volume and increase feeding frequency).

Lastly, we couldn’t believe the response is so well after we mailed out our story to our closed group friends, colleagues, relatives and other friends which we don’t know them as well. You all are always in our heart because you all giving us the best supports from money (as of 9 June 09, RM 38,435.00), well wishes, lucky stars, lucky rice, and also prayers from everywhere such as churches, temples, mosques and etc.

We will stay strong and continue the long journey with our Little Kai Xin.

Warmest regards,

Eric, Huey Jing and Little Kai Xin

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